Mishaps of Kingdom Hearts
by fudge poptart
Summary: Collection of humorous and odd oneshots. If there are any pairings, they're probably SoKai or RoxNam. Story 9: Axel visits a shrink. It doesn't bode well. XD
1. Sora the Chef

A/N: Enjoy! This is supposed to be funni, but if it's not, sorry. I have a warped sense of humor.

Disclaimer: Nope. Kingdom Hearts isn't mine.

* * *

Kairi's birthday was today, and Sora wanted to give her something good. He thought long and hard about potential presents, and he eventually came to a decision—he'd bake Kairi a cake. It would be a heartwarming gift, and she'd surely love it.

His experience with cooking only consisted of Easy Mac and Ramen Noodle Soup, but he was sure that making a cake would be a cinch. Cooking didn't seem too difficult. All it consisted of was mixing and putting stuff in the oven. Simple.

Until he actually tried doing it.

First, he tried cracking the eggs. During his first attempt, he smashed it against the bowl too hard, and egg gunk was all over the floor. For his second attempt, he dropped the entire eggshell inside the bowl on accident. Finally, on his third try, he managed the procedure of cracking the eggshell inside the bowl correctly. There were bits of eggshell inside the bowl, but it probably wouldn't hurt anything.

Next, he had to figure out the measurements. Before he realized his mistake, he'd accidentally added two _tablespoons_ of salt instead of two _teaspoons_. But there wasn't much of a difference between the two, right? Sora shrugged and moved on to the next step, still confident.

Eventually, he had the batter complete with all of the ingredients stirred in well. He was really proud of his accomplishment, certain that Kairi would like it. All he had to do was put it in the oven, watch the time, and put the icing on. Then—viola!—the cake would be finished. This was easy! If Sora could kill a thousand heartless, he could _definitely_ bake a cake.

But it sure would take a long time to bake. He decided to watch cartoons while he waited for the cake to be finished. Nothing really good was on TV, so he surfed the channels out of boredom. It really was a lengthy wait, but at least he was lying comfortably on the couch…

…………………………………………………………

It came to Sora's attention that something was burning. But what? He got up, yawned, and rubbed his eyes. Hmm…he must have fallen asleep. Well, apparently he'd needed the nap…

What _was_ that smell anyway?

Sora stretched contently—and then it came to him. _THE CAKE!_ Crap!!

He ran to the kitchen and flung the oven door open. Smoke came pouring out, and the fire alarm began beeping in a panic. Ignoring the blaring noise, Sora peered in the oven to see his cake—or rather, what was left of it.

His cake was now simply a lump of scorched batter. It was crisp and hard, and it smelled horrible. He couldn't give this to Kairi now!

Kairi was going to be at his house any minute, and all he had to give her was a pile of unidentifiable rubbish.

He sighed and admitted defeat. Cooking was _not_ easy. He'd steer clear of the oven from now on.

He picked up his phone, dialed Kairi's number, and decided to do what any sensible guy would…

"Hi, Kairi. Yeah, there's a change of plans. We're going to meet at Xigbar's Pizza Palace instead…"

* * *

A/N: First chapter in a collection of oneshots. Written from experience. I doubt Sora can cook, seeing as he's been too busy saving worlds to try it out.

I'll update...um...when I get to it... (LOL) Reviews are appreciated!


	2. Endangered Chocobos

A/N: Sora procrastinates on a report. I do it all the time, so I guess this story comes from personal experience. enjoi.

Dissy: I no ownie, you no suey.

* * *

"Sora, that report is due _tomorrow_. There's no way you can finish it in time."

Sora rolled his eyes apathetically. "Kairi, you sound like my mom. It's just a stupid school report. Who cares about the endangerment of chocobos anyway?"

"_You_ should care. Do you realize that you are failing English miserably and that this report may be your last chance to salvage your grade?" Kairi gave Sora a you-really-should-be-more-responsible glare. Unfortunately, "responsible" wasn't in Sora's vocabulary.

He didn't want to fail, because that would mean being grounded for a month…but at the same time, he really didn't want to write the stupid report, either. He had allowed it to conveniently slip his mind until Kairi rudely reminded him of it. Great—now what was he going to do?

Bing! An idea came into his mind. Okay, so ideas don't really go 'bing', but just imagine the onomatopoeia, people. Anyway, 'bing' went his brain, and he had the perfect solution—Riku! Who better to turn to than his amazing upperclassmen best friend?

Kairi walked off, muttering about how disappointed she was in him and blah, blah, blah, et cetera... The bell rang, but Sora ignored it. He didn't have time to go to math class (not that he really did anything in there anyway). Sora wandered aimlessly through the school hallway, ducking into the boys' bathroom once to avoid a hall monitor. Which class was Riku in this period?

After what seemed like hours of searching, Sora finally found Riku. He was sitting in science class snoring (and drooling, I might add) as a boring black-and-white film played. Sora tried to catch his attention by tapping on the window and hissing, "Riku! Hey!", but that only caught the attention of other random students, who stared at him with bizarre looks on their faces.

Obviously, Mr. Beauty Sleep wasn't going to wake up so easily. So it was time for plan B. Sora took a deep breath and opened the door. Several students glanced up at him, finding someone entering the room far more interesting than the science movie. The teacher, whose name Sora didn't know, asked, "Yes?"

His voice was really deep and flat-toned. Booooring. Sora was _not_ going to enjoy taking this class next year. He didn't blame Riku for falling asleep—he probably would have, too!

"Uh, I need to see Riku," Sora said nervously.

"Why? We're in the middle of learning important scientific knowledge of the life cycle."

Sora grimanced. Ew. "Um…" he said, hoping his lie wasn't too obvious. "The guidance counselor needs to talk to him…about important…stuff."

The old teacher shrugged and called out, "Hey, Riku. Go on."

Riku snorted and bolted upright. For a second, he looked confused, but as soon as he figured out his surroundings, he stood up and said groggily, "A'right."

He followed Sora out of the classroom and wiped the slober off of his chin.

"Have a nice nap?" Sora snickered.

Riku glared.

"Sorry I had to take you out of such an _interesting_ class," Sora remarked sarcastically.

"So, what's up? I'm assuming the guidance counselor doesn't actually need to see me," Riku said.

Sora tried to dodge around the subject. "Well, suppose…uh, you had to do a report for Mrs. Landers by tomorrow…three pages on a really lame topic…"

Riku raised an eyebrow. "What's the topic?"

"Why chocobos are an endangered species. Do you know anything about it?"

Riku shook his head no.

"Drat," Sora said. "There goes my idea."

Well, Riku had been no help. So much for upperclassmen being really smart. Now what would he do? Sora really needed another 'bing' moment.

Next, he tried approaching Mrs. Landers. "Hi," he said overly politely. "You're dressed nicely today." Her zebra patterned shirt and pink granny skirt didn't really qualify as "nice", but the flattery would probably still be effective.

Mrs. Landers eyed him suspiciously. Okay, so maybe flattery wasn't the best idea.

"Um…I was wondering if I could get an extra day to work on my report." He decided to get straight to the point. Mrs. Landers didn't seem to like that approach either. "Uhh…" he continued awkwardly, pulling a lie right out of his arse. "You see, my little brother is sick, and my parents won't be home to take care of him tonight, so it's my job. Since I'll be busy helping him, I won't have time to finish up my paper." If he was Pinocchio, his nose would be a foot long by now.

"You have a little brother?" Mrs. Landers said skeptically. "I didn't know that. What's his name?"

Sora wracked his brain quickly for a name. "Roxas," he blurted out without even thinking about it. This lie would work, since Mrs. Landers could have no idea that Roxas was actually the name of his nobody.

"Mm-hmm," Mrs. Landers said, her hands on her hips. "Sorry, Sora, but I assigned this a week ago. You should have finished it by now instead of procrastinating." Did she get that line from Kairi or something? Now what would he do?? There was no way he'd manage to finish the whole report unless he drank lots of caffeine and pulled an all-nighter. Not exactly a fun activity unless there were video games involved, and there clearly weren't.

* * *

"Done," Sora stated proudly, holding his complete three-page report in front of Kairi's face. "I told you there was nothing to worry about."

Kairi didn't seem to believe him. "You actually finished the whole thing in just a few hours?"

Sora nodded. Thank Kingdom Hearts the whole mess was sorted out! He'd almost entered panic mode as he realized how close he'd been to getting grounded. But now the report on chocobos was finished, and the worries vanished.

"Did you get some poor underclassmen to do it for you?" Kairi asked. She still couldn't fathom Sora actually doing the project within such a time limit. With his attention span, he'd typically only get five sentences written in an hour because he'd get distracted by other things so easily.

"No," Sora answered. "I did it myself. Honest."

Kairi took the paper from Sora's hands and skimmed it. "Oh, really?" she remarked. "Then why is there a link for Wikipedia at the bottom of the page?" With a scary smile plastered on her face, Kairi ripped the paper to shreds and waited with evil anticipation for Sora to explain himself.

Gulp. Busted.

* * *

A/N: naughty Sora. I've never plagerized a report before. never. Really.

reviews, anyone?


	3. Getting the Rope

A/N: based on a rather frustrating true story. why parents shouldn't play video games. another lovely oneshot by **ƒμÐğ****Ə**** • ρǾ¶тẵ®T**

it's written completely in dialogue 'cuz it sounds better that way. and 'cuz I'm too lazy to do anything else with it.

disclaimer: i don't own kingdom hearts, so i can't sell it or give away its rights. you can have my mom if you want, tho.

* * *

**Getting the Rope**

"What's that girl's name?"

"Oh, her? That's Kairi."

"No, not her—the other girl. The one with the white hair."

"Mom, that's Riku. He's a _boy_."

"He looks like a girl. Hasn't he heard of scissors?"

"Would you just focus on playing the game?! Finish talking to Kairi."

"Okay, it says I need to find a rope and a bunch of other stuff. That's stupid. Where are they going to find that?"

"Not in the direction you're going. Turn around."

"Well, where should I—"

"Mom, quit changing to first-person view!"

"What?"

"Quit pushing that button!"

"Why isn't he moving? Where'd Sarah go?"

"_MOM_, it's _Sora_. Here—it's right h…okay, you don't want to go into first person view. Got it?"

"Oh, okay. Yeah. So where's the rope?"

"Jump over there—no, over _there_. Okay, now climb the ladder."

"Okay."

"Good, now…what are you doing?"

"I tried going up the ladder thingy, but he's climbing this tree instead! How do I get down??"

"Just—okay, there. Now climb up the _ladder_."

"'Kay. He looked like he was humping that tree."

"…"

"Why are his feet so big, anyway?"

"I don't know. Now, be careful not to fall over the edge. Okay, now go over to Tidus."

"That guy?"

"Yes."

"Why is he swinging that stick around? Do I have to take it from him or something?"

"Nope. Just walk behind him and grab the—MOM! Get out of first-person view!"

"I'm not in it!"

"Yes, you are! Gimme the controller… Look, don't push that button."

"I wasn't."

"You must have been hitting it on accident. I don't know. Now, go right, and the rope should be right there—"

"Is there a reason that guy's shorts are uneven? These outfits are horrible."

"Just get the rope already!"

"Do I press X or somethi—oh, it disappeared. Where'd it go?"

"In your items section. Here, click _START_ and I'll show you what I mean… Select that one and—no, don't use the potion. You'll need it later."

"Where's the rope?"

"It's right there… No… Oh, forget it. Just click _O _so we can find the rest of the stuff."

"Didn't you say Mickey Mouse was going to be in this game?"

"He will, later. But you need to push _O_, not _square_."

"I don't understand what you're saying. Where do I go after this? Didn't they say I have to get sea shells or something?"

"Mom, get _OUT_ of FIRST-PERSON V—_ughhhhh_, I give up! You're on your own!"

"Then I quit. It's too hard."

"…"

* * *

A/N: Kingdom Hearts? $20.00.

8 gig Memory card? $17.99.

Wireless controller? $27.50.

Watching your mother attempt to find the rope on Destiny Islands? Priceless.

Review, _por favor_!


	4. Feminine Pads

A/N: A little story I wrote a while ago. It's been up on DeviantArt for a while now, along with a "beautiful" illustration of Sora with a box of Kotex pads. lol (If u wanna see it, my username on DA is dragonwind15. i don't get on it very often, tho....)

Disclaimer: not mine...blah, blah...never will be...yadda yadda...okayz, time to move on with my life!

* * *

**Feminine Pads**

"AHHHH!!"

A deafening scream pierced the air. Sora became alert immediately. That was Kairi! But where was she? Sora looked around in a panic, but nowhere could he find her red hair peeking above the crowd.

What had happened to her? The day had begun as a simple date to the roller rink, but now… Sweat rolled down Sora's forehead. Kairi's shrill yell must have meant something bad had happened. Maybe heartless had appeared, or there was another emergency situation from King Mickey, or worse—a new math test was coming up soon. Unfortunately, there was no way of knowing, because Kairi was missing.

Sora skated through a small crowd of people, nearly knocking over a little boy in his haste. Finally, to his strong relief, he spotted Kairi.

She was leaning against the back wall with her hands behind her back. Her face was flushed a deep scarlet color.

"Kairi, what's wrong?" Sora asked in a fearful tone.

"N-nothing…" Kairi responded hesitantly. "Just…uh, can we go home now?"

Sora was puzzled. If nothing had happened, why was Kairi acting so strangely? And why did she want to leave? They had just arrived at the skating rink twenty minutes ago. This made absolutely no sense.

"What? Why?" Sora was _definitely_ missing out on something here.

As soon as he asked the question, he wished he hadn't, because Kairi burst out in tears.

_What the--?! Now_ what had he done wrong?

"K-Kairi, it'll be okay. Um…" It wasn't like Kairi to cry; she was normally quite strong-willed. So Sora had no clue how to handle this awkward situation.

People were beginning to stare, so he tried his best to calm Kairi down. "Uh, we can leave if you like. It's alright. So, er…let's go—"

"No!"

Sora had begun tugging Kairi away from the wall to find the exit, but Kairi violently shoved his away. This left Sora bewildered and somewhat hurt. Had he done something to make Kairi angry? He tried recalling earlier parts of the day he spent with her, but nothing out of the norm was in his memory. And Kairi had been fine earlier.

Kairi's face turned another shade deeper, and she whirled around, revealing her backside as secretly as she could manage. Sora looked there and—

"Oh, my God! Kairi, you're _bleeding!_ Call the paramedics or get Donald to use cure or—"

"Sora! _Shut up!_" Kairi covered Sora's mouth with her hand, a tear streaming down her face again. "Do you want the whole world to know I'm on my period?"

"But Kairi, you're bleedi—_oh._" She was on her period. Yeahhhhh. That's all it was… "Oh." Sora was speechless. His face turned pale. "Uh…"

Now he _really_ had no clue how to help her.

Kairi stood there, defenseless, sobbing, with blood pouring out of her—oh, God.

Sora's mind was blank. He could have stood there frozen like a stone for the entire day. Luckily, Kairi broke the silence and came to her wits first.

"I knew today was my heavy bleeding day, so I brought an extra pair of jeans just in case, but now my favorite pants are ruined! Oh, I shouldn't have worn them today. I wonder if I can get the stain out. Ah, but if I can't, these…" Kairi prattled on and on about her precious soiled jeans, but Sora's mind had been going on shut down mode since he'd heard her utter, "heavy bleeding." How the heck was he supposed to deal with this mess? Until now, he had completely forgotten that girls even—well, you know.

"Sora, you've got to help me," Kairi pleaded.

Upon hearing his name, Sora snapped back into focus. "Um…how can _I_ help exactly?"

"I need you to buy me something," Kairi said, wiping away a last tear. _Uh-oh_, Sora thought. He had a bad feeling about this…

And rightly so, because Kairi's impossible quest for him was, "Would you please buy me…a pack of pads?"

"…"

"It's not that hard. My pads aren't heavy-duty enough for today, but I don't want to spoil another pair of jeans."

"…"

"But I can't leave like—like _this_. It would be mortifying!"

"…"

"You just need to go to the convenience store next door. It'll only take five minutes or so."

"…"

"Sora, are you listening to me?"

Sora was hysterical. "I can't do it! I don't know anything about this girly stuff! Have a friend do it for you or something—_anyone_ but me, please!" Sympathetic as he felt, there was no way in hell he was going to march into a store and…

* * *

"I need some pads," Sora muttered into the phone. He peered around, making sure no one was within hearing distance.

"What? Sora, is that you?" Riku sounded confused. "I think I misheard what you said—"

"Oh, no. You heard me correctly. I need _pads_."

"Shoulder pads? Knee pads?"

"_Feminine_ pads."

There was a pause. Finally, Riku asked, "Where are you?"

"The convenience store next to the roller rink." Damn Kairi's puppy dog face! Her beautiful pouting gaze, those sad violet eyes staring into his…how could he say no? With that look, Kairi could make Sora do virtually anything. He shuttered in the realization that women were scary like that.

Anyway, here he was, and there was no turning back now. He gripped money in one hand, his cell phone tightly in the other, standing alone in the aisle that no testosterone-loaded being had ever dared to venture into before.

Over the phone, Riku seemed just as clueless as Sora. "Well, just grab a box of 'em off the shelf and go," he suggested.

"That's what I was going to do, but it's not that simple," Sora explained miserably. With girls, _nothing_ was simple.

"Well, why not? Are they sold out or something?"

"No, it's the opposite! There's so many of them!" And that was the truth. There were different brands, sizes, types…it was an endless pile of varying feminine products.

"Well…um…I gotta go," Riku said quickly, obviously making up an excuse to get out of the sticky situation. "I'll see you lat—"

"No, you don't! Riku, you liar, help me out here!" But he was already gone. Frustrated, Sora prepared to hit redial, but just then, a woman appeared behind him.

"Need some help, sir?" she asked.

Sora stared at her for a few seconds, his mind still trying to comprehend everything. He saw a "HELLO, my name is Kathy" nametag and a cheap sales pitch smile, and he knew she must work here. _Oh, what the heck_, he thought, _I might as well get help from this lady. What'll it hurt?_

"I need pads," he responded, pointing to the full shelves.

The woman, Kathy, stifled a chuckle. "I see," she said, clearing her throat. "What kind?"

"Um…the heavy kind." That's what Kairi had said she needed, right?

After they shuffled through several different boxes, Sora finally came across one that was satisfactory. At least, he _hoped_ it was. The woman explained that they were called 'maxi', and they had wings, whatever those were. Then he had the store clerk ring them up. He paid for them and left in a hurry.

Though that had been extremely embarrassing, Sora felt very proud of himself. He believed he had handled the problem well, and he now understood one thing about females.

Or so he thought.

He arrived at the skating rink, bag of pads in hand. He spotted Kairi and walked quickly towards her. "Hey, Kairi, I got your—"

"Oh, hey, Sora! Good news! I found a pad machine in the bathroom and got one there. Thanks anyway, though." Kairi looked cheerful.

The bag fell from Sora's hands. His mouth hung open. To top it off, one teenager skating past them saw the pads on the ground and commented, "Eww! Granny pads! Who uses _those_?"

Sora groaned and plopped onto the floor. Kairi rushed over to him, apparently concerned.

"Sora, what's wrong?" she asked, worried.

Sora shook his head and closed his eyes. Girls, he decided, were not only scary, but also confusing as hell.

* * *

A/N: lots of dialogue in this story, not much description. the way i usually write when i don't restrict myself. =D

well, review and tell me what you think!! even if you thought it was the "gayest gay that has ever gayed" ~~ i appreciate your opinion! XD


	5. Dirty Dishes

Disclaimer: Self-explanatory, I do believe.

A/N: This story's in Roxas's POV, which was kinda hard for me to pull off. The Xigbar's Pizza Palace thing is a bit of an inside joke.

* * *

Roxas sighed from inside of Sora, wondering how he could possibly be half of this clumsy kid. Despite being able to wield a powerful weapon and (usually) manage interspace travel, Sora was pretty dang clutzy. He had just tripped over his own feet, which Roxas supposed wasn't too difficult because they were so big. Unfortunately, he had been carrying a stack of freshly-cleaned dishes at the time. Now, they lay on the ground, a few of them chipped and in several pieces.

The manager heard the clatter and came snooping in the kitchen. Roxas could imagine what he was thinking. The large burly man, whose manager tag was labeled "Chuck", saw Sora sprawled out on the stone floor, dishes scattered and broken. Yeah, he was probably pretty damn pissed.

"What is this?" he demanded, although Roxas thought it was pretty obvious what had happened.

"I, uh, tripped, sir," Sora said, hastily rising to his feet and wiping his apron. "Um, sorry abou--"

"You already owe the restaraunt thirty munny for your meal earlier, and now you owe more for breaking dishes! Useless kid! How are you punks raised these days? Your parents ought to be ashamed of..."

Yadda yadda. Roxas tuned out the rest of his dull lecture. He could feel Sora's embarrassment clearly, since he was inside of him and all. His somebody's cheeks were flushed, and he was scratching his head and laughing nervously.

"I'll...uh, make up for it and go clean more dishes," Sora said awkwardly. Hoping to earn some forgiveness, he added a quick, "...sir."

The Chuck guy narrowed his eyes and said fiercely, "You do that." Then he mumbled about underachieving youngsters as he stormed through the swinging doors into the restaraunt's main lobby.

Sora miserably headed towards the large sink, reloading it with more plates and cups. This was supposed to be a special evening for him, but it had gone all wrong. Roxas recalled earlier events: Sora had planned a nice dinner date with Kairi. He had flipped through all sorts of fancy ads. Italiano? Nah, Italian food was too messy. Xigbar's Pizza Palace? No, pizza was too casual. Roxas had hinted a suggestion to him--Caupona, a diner famous for its prime rib. The restaraunt was within his budget (amazingly enough) and appropriate for dates. It was the perfect choice as far as Roxas was concerned, and he managed to convince Sora of that, too.

Now he wasn't so sure.

The evening had been going well. Sora somehow wasn't acting like a total moron in front of Kairi, and she had been pleasantly surprised at her boyfriend's kind gesture of setting up the date. Roxas was certain that Namine was having a good time, too. He couldn't see her, of course, but he knew she was there. And she was probably as impressed as Kairi that Sora was doing such a good job at pulling the evening off. This was, after all, their first real date.

Just as Roxas was sure it was going to go off without a hitch, disaster struck. Nothing as terrible as Darkside coming along and swallowing up Destiny Islands or finding out you aren't meant to exist or anything like that, but still pretty bad. Pretty darn bad.

Sora had reached into his pocket and found...that it was empty. He didn't panic right away, and neither did Roxas. After all, he probably just put it somewhere else. With all of the zippers and pockets on his zany outfit, it was bound to be there somewhere...

Okay, now Roxas was getting anxious. His somebody had inspected several more of the pockets to no avail. Nothing. They were all empty.

And then it hit him--Sora had left his munny in his wallet, which was still at home on his nightstand! If he had a body of his own, Roxas would have hit himself on the forehead for being so stupid. How could they have forgotten the most basic of the basic??

Sora had bitterly told Kairi to leave without him, cancelling their romantic walk through the park that night. Kairi seemed confused by this, but said, "Well, okay, I guess I can have my mom pick me up early..."

So here Sora was now, scrubbing food grime away from dirty plates. Roxas had always thought that when the waiter said, "If you can't pay, you're doing dishes!", it was merely a joke. But apparently, it wasn't. Wow, this was suckville.

Sora was about halfway through the enormous (and continually growing) pile of dishes, yawning out of boredom. And boy, was it boring. Scrub, rinse, dry, stack, repeat. Scrub, rinse, dry, st... Roxas felt Sora nodding off, but he mentally urged him to keep his eyes open. If he fell asleep on the job, who knew what the manager, Chuck, would do to him! The thought was scary to consider.

Speaking of Chuck--the large man came thumping through the doors again. Sora immediately began scrubbing more diligently at the plate he was currently cleaning ketchup off of.

"You," Chuck said gruffly, pointing a sausage-like finger at Sora, "c'mere." Uh-oh. Roxas's spidey senses--uh, danger senses--were tingling. _Now _what did the manager want him to do? Was he in more trouble for some reason? This wasn't looking pleasant. Not pleasant at all.

Sora obeyed without saying a word (although Roxas knew he was secretly freaking out). He followed Chuck through the swinging doors, and when he came out in the lobby, he saw--

_Kairi_?!!

"Um..." Sora chuckled nervously. "I, uh..." He fiddled with a loose string on his apron. What was she still doing here? Roxas was taken aback. And how were they going to explain the situation without mortifying themselves? Maybe Sora could lie and tell her he had a part-time job here. No, Roxas reasoned, the manager was here, and he'd deny that instantly. Maybe he could...

"Sora," Kairi said placidly. "Why didn't you just tell me you forgot your munny?"

Sora bowed his head, ashamed. Okay, so much for the excuses Roxas had been formulating. Kairi already knew the situation.

She sighed and pulled Sora by the arm, yanking off his damp apron. "Let's go," she said.

"But, the munny--"

"Already been paid for," Kairi announced, holding up the receipt. "Honestly, you are such a forgetful goofhead. How could you forget your wallet on our date?" Roxas had wondered the same thing. He guessed they really were goofheads. No--_Sora_ was the goofhead. Roxas considered himself the more collected of the two of them. In fact, he often wondered if he was even half of Sora at all. Sometimes he felt like his spikey-haired somebody was completely different from him. He couldn't imagine himself singing with a crab and a mermaid or going off and saving every stinkin' world from ghostly lions or savage decks of cards, but Sora had done it quite willingly. Totally different from him, really.

Kairi gently tugged Sora out the door of Caupona, and with a wink, she said, "You were really willing to do dishes to pay for my meal?"

Sora shrugged. "Sure, I guess," he said modestly. Truthfully, he hadn't had much of a choice in the matter.

"Well, since you're done with kitchen duty, why don't we go for that walk?" Kairi suggested with a quirky smile.

"Works for me," Sora responded. Roxas was gratefully he'd agreed. He recalled the chore they had yet to do at home--load the dishwasher (naturally, just to torment them more). He'd seen enough dirty silverware to last him a few weeks. Plus, a walk with Namine--well, Kairi, technically--would definitely be nice.

Kairi giggled and held up the receipt again. "Okay, but you owe me for this." Then she pecked Sora on the lips, sending him staggering in surprise.

If Roxas had a solid form, he'd be blushing like a madman. Hell, Sora _was_ blushing like a madman. Maybe his somebody wasn't so different from him after all.

* * *

A/N: The name of the restaraunt they went to, Caupona, is latin for _restaraunt_. *shrugs* I couldn't think of any good names. I don't eat out much.

Tried to give this one a little bit of romance, since that is one of the genres I gave this story. Dunno how smooth it went, though.

Hasta la vista and review, peeps!! X)


	6. How Not to Beat Sephiroth

Disclaimer: I don't own Squeenix. I don't own Disney. I don't own Final Fantasy. I don't own KH...this could go on and on and on, just like the Energizer Bunny, 'cept I don't own that either.

A/N: This is a (mostly) true story, exaggerated to make it more fun. It's kinda like an event log of fighting Sephiroth in KH1.

**ƒμÐğE**** • ρǾ¶тẵ®t**

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**How Not to Beat Sephiroth**

Attempt One: Watch dramatic cutscene. Sky is eerily dark. Sephiroth appears out of a weird circle-thingy in the sky. Draws freakishly long sword. "One-Winged Angel" plays in the background. Grip the controller tightly in my hands, already sweating. Match begins.

Press X to launch an attack, but he swerves and dodges it. Try again. Instant annihilation.

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Attempt Two: Cutscene begins again. Fidgeting nervously. Wonder how Sephiroth keeps his hair so sleek and straight. Herbal Essences, maybe? Prepares to fight again, swearing this time I'll--

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Attempt Three: Cutscene. Again. Not giving up hope. Will defeat him...eventually. Getting tense.

Manage to land an attack! And another, and another, and another. Notice his health bar isn't depleting. Random curse word (omitted for content). Death.

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Attempt Ten: Finally figured out that his first health bar is invisible. Getting a little peeved. I am at level 100 with the Ultima Weapon, so why is this so hard?!!

Cutscene seems to get longer every time I watch it. Wish I could skip it like you can in KH2. Fight starts. Intense battle, constant dodging, continual locking on. Somehow get first (invisible) bar down. Getting excited! Pause to cheer my partial victory. Get clobbered.

Get online and look at walkthrough. The only advice it offers for defeating Sephiroth: 'Good luck.' Not helpful.

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Attempt Sixteen: Want to punch Sephiroth in his balls. Controller now has random dents in it from being thrown at TV screen. Am I even taking down half of his health?

Getting better at this. Much better. Button mashing like mad. Sephiroth disappears. Where--? Lock on, and find him concocting this odd glowy thing. Well, that's new. Probably nothing to worry abou--_SHIT_! Health down to one HP, magic down to one MP--Sephiroth pursuing me--can't heal--shitshitshitshitshitshit--panic--KO'd.

Shit.

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Attempt Twenty-Four: _Pissed off_. Spewing cuss words like mad. Sweating. Getting loopy. Stupid cutscene is way too long. Battle starts.

Now have a technique for landing hits--attack, attack, attack, heal, repeat. Doing pretty good. Getting hopeful. Glowy thing appears again. Try to use Hi-Potion on self. Too slow. Game over screen.

Loud screech that the neighbors report to the police for noise pollution.

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Attempt ??: Lose count of how many times I've died. Restart the count. Really have to pee, but really want to kill Sephiroth. Bladder can wait. Been going at it for over an hour.

Die again.

OMFGakdfKLFH8e53lskdf4%!!!!1!!!

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Attempt 3 (*cough*): Pleading with TV screen. Begging Sephiroth to just let me win. Toilet beckons, but must hold it in. Promise PS2 I'll polish it if it gives me a chance to win.

Watch his health bar slowly deplete. Manage to get past glowy orb obstacle. Frickin' sweet! Making progress. Almost to last bar... Water running in next room over. Bladder getting persistent. Really gotta go, dammit! Can't concentrate on fight. Water... Water... No, attack! Button mash, stop thinking of waterfalls, attack, attack....

Death. Sweet merciful toilet.

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Attempt 7: Leaning in toward TV screen. Doin' good. Meteor attack not doing much damage. Repeatedly healing, healing, healing... Victory almost in my grasp. FINALLY.

Health bar is down to the bear minimum...just two or three more hits and the bastard'll be dead...Winning! Can almost taste the victory! Sephiroth weakening! Attacking relentlessly! Just one more hit, and--

Door busts open. Drop controller in shock. Stare at father, wondering what is so damn important for him to interrupt me in my moment of near-triumph. Says he has to ask me a question: "How do you spell 'pretty'?" Slam door in his face.

Stare at 'GAME OVER' screen.

Curl up in fetal position on floor. Cry.

* * *

A/N: No, I didn't cry. Yes, my dad really did bust in and ask me how to spell 'pretty', costing me the win. Yes, I was pissed at him.

But a few tries later, I actually did manage to kill that one-winged devil! I was sooooooo happy, even though it took me forever. It probably shouldn't have been that hard, but my nerves were freaking out. lol. There's a crappy comic version of this that I drew, too: .com/art/How-I-Lost-to-Sephiroth-95525320. Don't look at it if you don't like bad art. -_-''

Still haven't gone against him in KH2...I'm too afraid. 0.0''


	7. Oh, the Insolence!

Disclaimer: Kingdom Hearts ist nicht mein. T.T

A/N: A short story inspired by a quote I found online. For those who don't know, Xemnas is Xehanort's nobody and Xigbar is Braig's nobody.

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Xehanort was working with his teacher, Ansem, on a very important device. Unfortunately, the machine was extremely complex, and even Ansem didn't fully understand its mechanics. It possessed a remarkable ability to create heartless unnaturally, which was truly fascinating. The power of these dark creatures was incredible. Sadly, though, the research had been halted. The mechanism had completely stopped working, but the computer had found nothing wrong.

It was puzzling and very frustrating.

"There are still no reports of any damage or problems," Ansem said with irritation, massaging his temples. He typed a bit more on his computer, but it was to no avail.

With a defeated sigh, he turned around in his chair and looked at his best apprentice, Xehanort. "Will you test the device and see if you can find anything out of place?"

Xehanort agreed to the task readily and went off to check the machine's status. On the way there, he pondered more on the heartless. It was mind-boggling, the things they could do, even without hearts. The especially strong ones wielded incredibly unique powers, and sometimes even retained a mind of their own. It really was a wonder. But Ansem was reluctant to delve too deeply into the mysteries of these beings, which was a shame. They could accomplish so much if only...

He finally came to the huge contraption, and he immediately set his mind on finding something--anything--wrong with the thing. He searched in frustration for at least ten minutes, but he found absolutely nothing abnormal. He was vexed. The machine _should _have been functioning normally according to his calculations. He'd checked over several of its inner structures and weak points, but everything was in fine condition. Sometimes being Ansem's disciple was very intricate.

Aggravated to the point of throwing a fit, he yelled out, "Damn this stupid thing!" He kicked it without remorse and stormed off to report his lack of results to Ansem.

But when he returned to the lab, he was greeted with a smile. "You did it!" Ansem exclaimed. "You are a great apprentice."

Appreciated the praise, Xehanort decided not to mention the fact that he'd merely fixed it by pounding it with his foot. Some things were better left unsaid.

At that moment, Braig, another apprentice, strode in. "We bought the sea-salt ice cream you wanted," he announced.

Ansem stood up. "Excellent!" he said gleefully. "Xehanort, Braig, I would like you to finish the maintenance on the machine while I take a break to eat."

Xehanort rolled his eyes. He never did understand his master's love for sea-salt ice cream. He said nothing, though, only nodding yes. Braig shuffled his feet, as if appalled with the prospect of doing work. He tended to loaf around and do things half-assed, so Xehanort did not really wish to work with him, but Ansem had requested it, so he'd oblidge, albeit unwillingly.

Ansem walked out the door humming a tune, and Xehanort headed back towards the machine. According to the computer, the left engine laser just needed some small modifications, and everything would be in order again. It was funny how such a small error could result in a complete mess.

"Come on, Braig," he said. "We've got to fix one of the lasers."

Braig lifted his head, suddenly pleased about the job. He liked lasers.

"Just don't do anything stupid," Xehanort advised with a sigh. Why did he have to work with Braig? He was not the most intelligent of Ansem the Wise's followers, and he didn't actually seem very interested in hearts. Xehanort faintly wondered why he was even here.

"Okay, here's how we're going to do this," Xehanort said when he'd reached the big machine once more. "I tell you what to do, and you do it."

"Alright," Braig agreed with a shrug. He didn't care about the whole leadership thing. As long as he got to work with lasers, he probably didn't care about much else.

With a furrowed brow, Xehanort got to work. He thought that _he_ shouldn't have to do such filthy labor, considering he was the best apprentice. However, the others were elsewhere, and Braig wouldn't know a screwdriver from a monkey wrench. Thus, he was the one dirtying his hands. It irked him quite a bit.

"Er, don't you think we should...use a manual or something?" Braig asked hesitantly.

Xehanort scoffed at him, beginning to get to work. "As if I can't figure out how to fix this? Are you implying that I am stupid?" Oh, the insolence!

"N-no," Braig responded quickly, fear evident in his voice.

Xehanort did not need instructions or small print to aid him. He was perfectly capable of--

_BOOOOOOM!_

Xehanort coughed and hacked up a cloud of black substance. He had a horrible taste in his mouth, as if he'd just swallowed window cleaning liquid. He looked to Braig, who was coated in a layer of black dust, and then he peered down at his hands. He, too, was utterly filthy. Disgusting.

At that moment, Ansem walked in to see how his young apprentices were performing. _Oh, what impeccable timing_, Xehanort thought bitterly. This was mortifying.

"Oh, my." Ansem put his hand to his mouth. Xehanort wasn't sure whether he was concealing his surprise or stiffling a laugh. His cheeks burned red, but no one would notice since they were completely covered in black grime.

Braig cleared his throat and said quietly, "I told you that you should have used a manual."

Xehanort replied with a glare.

The moral? _Education is what you get from reading the instructions. Experience is what you get from not reading it._

_

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A/N: A lesson well-learned. =D


	8. 27 Percent Awake

Disclaimer: I do (not) own KH. Anything written in parenthesis in this disclaimer can (not) be ignored. =P

**A/N: **Somewhat similar to "Endangered Chocobos", but it has its differences. Mrs. Landers makes a comeback in this oneshot. =D I decided to write in first-person as opposed to my usual third-person style, and I also tried putting it in present tense instead of past tense. I had fun with it--not too challenging, just different than my norm. Also, I focused more on dialogue and less on detail.

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**  
27% Awake  
**

"—ora! Wake up!"

I lift my head slowly. Drool is protruding from my mouth. How long have I been sleeping? I was having a nice dream about chocolate cake until now…

"Sora Minoru!"

Uh-oh, my mom just used my last name. That means serious business. I'd better get up before she comes in and threatens to dump cold water on my head again.

"Hold on, Mom. Just a few more minutes…" I mumble, rubbing my eyes.

Hm, that's strange…why is my bed so hard? Where's my pillow?

My eyes flutter open, and a bright light blinds me. Finally, when my pupils adjust, I can investigate my surroundings. I stretch and take a deep breath, but I am halted mid-yawn.

A ruler is inches from my nose.

And at the end of that ruler…is the hand of my English teacher, Mrs. Landers. She doesn't look too happy, but then again, when does she? Whenever the woman is facing me, she has a frown embedded on her face.

"Um…good morning," I say sheepishly. The dazzling sun outside the classroom window tells me clearly that it is not morning, but I can't think of anything else to say.

"Would you kindly explain why you're sleeping in my classroom?" Mrs. Landers demands harshly.

"Um, well, y'see…" Because chocolate cake dreams are more interesting than Shakespeare. Because it's only natural for people to fall into a slumber when they're being bored to tears. "…I stayed up all night saving the worlds again, and—"

"Tch, whatever. You were playing Mario all night," a voice tattles from beside him. It's a certain silver-haired boy with a mischievous glint in his eyes.

Dammit. "Shut up, Riku!" Besides, it wasn't Mario; it was Kirby. Riku needs to get his video games straight.

I stick my tongue out at Riku. He smirks and looks away. He is so a dead man after the class period ends.

Mrs. Landers waves her ruler around in the air and says sternly, "Young man, I seriously suggest that you stay awake. Schoolwork should take precedence over this 'saving the world' nonsense." Yeah, because reading _The Old Man and the Sea_ is more important than everyone's lives. Totally.

"Do you realize you're failing?"

Wait, _what?!_ "No way! I can't be failing," I cry. She's got to be bluffing!

Without uttering a word, Mrs. Landers slaps a marked-up test on my desk. A giant red _F_ is scrawled right in the center, rubbing in the failure. "Okaaay, maybe I can be."

Riku decides to interfere again. He leans over and glimpses at my atrocious grade. "Wow, 27%? Even a slug can do better than that," he says with a snicker. He speaks loud enough for the entire class to hear.

I ask myself, _why_ do I consider him my best friend? My face goes red, and I slump down in my chair. "Shu-shut up, Riku!" My mom is going to kill me for the _F_…but not before she grounds me for slugging Riku in the face.

The teasing continues. "I'm going to tell Kairi that you failed," Riku chants.

My mouth hangs open. Even worse than my mother's scolding is the wrath of Kairi. If he tells her, he might as well sign my death warrant. I can already imagine the red-head's fury: she'll yell at me for not taking school seriously, yell at me some more for sleeping in class, and then she'll make me study for hours. Oh, the horror! If Riku reveals the _F_ to her, then I'm doomed.

"N-no!" I beseech. "Don't you dare!" I cover the test with my hands, although I know that won't do me any good now.

Riku grins. "Oh, I dare."

What is he scheming? Is he trying to blackmail me? Bribe me? Well, whatever his intention is, it's working. Jerk.

As a last minute attempt to defend myself, I blurt out, "If you tell her about my_ F_, then I'll tell her about the time you spray painted all of Mrs. Landers' desks neon pink!" I am going to beat Riku at his own game. He forgot how many of his own secrets I'm aware of. If I fall, he's goin' down with me!

Just as Riku is going to retort, a voice thunders, "That was _YOU_?!"

It's Mrs. Landers. I had been so caught up in averting Kairi's rage that I forgot I was still sitting in class. Riku and I trade nervous glances. "Oops," we utter simultaneously.

* * *

Later on, Kairi, Riku, and I are walking home from our eventful school day. I shuffle my feet and kick a pebble on the ground in front of me. A pink slip of paper is in my hand, signed by Mrs. Landers and labeled 'DETENTION.' Riku has one, too, but he's already crumbled it into a ball and tossed it into a nearby trashcan.

Kairi shakes her head in disappointment and comments, "I can't believe you both got detentions. What'd you do this time?"

I look at Riku, he looks at me, and we exchange a quiet conversation.

"I won't tell if you won't tell," Riku whispers.

I nod. "Deal."

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**  
A/N:** I have a strange urge to spray paint something neon pink now. Well, one time, me and a friend of mine spray painted "hammer time" on a stop sign and "Riku is a sexy beast" on a dumpster...but I digress.....

Review and I'll give you a virtual poptart!!


	9. Axel Sees a Shrink

Disclaimer: Confucius say, "I no own KH."

A/N: I'm not sure which corner of my brain this story came from. I guess I was just bored.

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**Axel Sees a Shrink**

A slightly overweight woman with ovular glasses and hair in a tight bun greeted Axel at the door. Her room was bright, tidy, and cheery, as if it came straight out of a furniture catalogue. Axel was nervous, but Saix had suggested he get a shrink with all the moping and lazing around he'd done in the past week. He normally didn't listen to the scar-faced grumpmeister, but he decided to make an exception this time. With Roxas gone, he probably _was _going crazy. A shrink, or psychologist if you wanted to get technical, might not be the worst idea. Besides, the woman seemed nice enough.

"Why, hello," she said, her smile widening. She beckoned for him to come inside, gesturing towards a chair. "Take a seat."

Hm, that was strange. Axel had always assumed that when you went to a shrink, they had you lay on one of those cushion bed thingies. Not that he minded. The chair appeared comfortable and inviting enough for him.

"Thanks," he said as he plopped down and stretched out his back.

His gaze wandered to the bright yellow wall clock. Two o'clock. He had a whole hour for this session. What would he talk about for that long? His feelings about Roxas? Well, technically, he didn't have feelings, just mockeries of them, being a nobody and all. Did that mean that coming to the shrink was futile and pointless? Maybe Saix was wrong. Maybe he should just leave right now...

"I am Mrs. Vergess." The lady sat down across from Axel and flattened out the wrinkles on her skirt delicately. "What's your name?"

"Axel." Oh, god. This felt like one of those fake Alcoholics Anonymous meetings he'd seen on TV. What the hell was he doing here??

Mrs. Vergess kept that same warm, friendly smile. Her face was practically stuck like that. Good thing she didn't have gross teeth, since he got flashed with them a lot. "Oh, well, it's nice to meet you, Aaron."

"Um...you mean Axel."

The smile deepened. "Right, Allen. Moving on then..."

Axel stared. Was this woman nearly deaf or something? Yes, that had to be it. Axel wasn't the most conventional name, but it couldn't be that hard to learn. He decided to ignore her mistake.

"Why are you here today?" Mrs. Vergess asked sweetly. She had a pen and a pad of paper, presumably to take notes on Axel.

"Well..." He might as well get this over with, he supposed. "My best friend forgot about me. And I have to kill him or--"

"Did the two of you get in some sort of fight?" the ever-smiling shrink questioned. She was already jotting something down, and Axel couldn't help but feel curious about it. Was she giving him some mental diagnosis with her scribbles? Or perhaps she was just writing out a grocery list. Or drawing a picture. It was impossible to tell.

"Well, no...not exactly," Axel said after a pause. After all, it really hadn't been a fight. Roxas had been angry with the organization, not with _him_ really. He was _part _of the organization, but still--

"Well, here's some advice for you, Andy--"

Okay, now her faulty memory was getting irritating. If he was going to spill his guts out to this lady, she should at least have the courtesy to remember his name.

"It's Axel." He didn't bother hiding his annoyance.

"Yes, yes, Aardvark. Anyway--"

_Aardvark?!_ That wasn't even a _name_! If the woman was trying to mess with him, she was making a terrible mistake. He didn't have a heart, which meant he wouldn't feel guilty if he tore her to shreds. Plus, her constant toothy grin was getting on his nerves. Either this woman was on drugs, or she was faking that smile. Or she just got botox.

"It's _AXEL_. A-X-E-L! Got it freaking memorized, lady?!" His anger was swelling.

Mrs. Vergess tsk-tsked him and shook her head. If she was trying to look cross, she failed at it miserably. She couldn't act peevish if she tried, because that would mean changing her overly-cheery expression. "My, my. Temper, temper. We really need to work on that, Bob."

In order to prevent himself from wringing the woman's neck, Axel stood up, marched toward the exit, and left, slamming the door behind him. Saix had been _way_ wrong. He hadn't even lasted ten minutes with the shrink. He'd deal with his stinkin' problems himself.

* * *

"Ah, hello, young lady. Please sit down."

"Hi," Kairi said shyly, adjusting her skirt underneath her legs before taking a seat. This person seemed very nice. Perhaps investing in counseling really _would_ help her work through her personal problems.

"I'm Mrs. Vergess." That was a slightly unusual name.

"I'm Kairi."

Mrs. Vergess took a yellow notepad and put it in her lap, scrawling something across the page. _She looks very professional,_ Kairi thought in awe. She seemed so diligent and orderly already, and they'd barely met.

"So, what seems to be the problem?"

Kairi took a deep breath and began to explain herself. "Well, the guy I like is in a different world right now."

Mrs. Vergess nodded with understanding and said calmly, "Yes, they all are, Karla."

Huh? The red-head had to blink a few times before responding. "Um, my name is Kairi..."

And thus began another interesting session.....

* * *

A/N: The end! What did you think? Just a side note: I got the psychologist's name from the word "vergessen" (fare-gess-en), which is German for "to forget." A suitable name, since she can't seem to retain their names in her mind for more than two seconds. ^_^;;

The Kairi bit at the end I just added as an afterthought. =) Any reviews?


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